{ OKAY }

A dear sweet friend sent an email late Saturday night just checking in to see if I’m okay. I’d actually written a long post on Saturday morning that I lost completely when internet explorer decided to shut down on me. But basically the overall message of the post was that for the first time in a long time I was feeling like I actually AM okay. Not only that but that I’m going to BE okay. That I don't have to constantly try to make up for the mistakes that I’ve made in the past. And boy have I made a few. I feel like I have gone through the most trying and difficult months I will probably ever face and that I came out stronger on the other side. I like who I am. For the first time I don't need to be something that other people think I should be. I am me. I will no longer make apologies for the things that I’ve said or done. I feel responsible and I feel grown up. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and I want him to be proud of me. We have this journey in life and it has twists and turns and bumps and it’s not always easy. At the end of the day however, what is important is where we are going. I am learning from where I’ve been but the past is the past. I don't know what the future holds. I do know that I am where I’m supposed to be and that I’m doing the right thing. I have trudged along the valleys for far too long. I have finally started to climb the mountain.

Along with that lost post I’ve lost links to some things that I was so hoping to post here to remember them. So frustrating! I know part of it included a link to the blog that inspired some of the thoughts above. For the past couple of weeks it’s seemed like at just the right times I’d stumble across (or have been directed to by a new blog reader) something that I needed to hear right now. Most recently Jody’s blog – she is amazing! And then I remembered a post by Lauren from a long while back and in my search for the ‘act as if’ philosophy I stumbled across other parts of the book that it apparently comes from. One particular section really spoke to me. You can find the full text here but this is a small excerpt of it:

“One way to enjoy life more is to "catch" yourself and those around you "being right".  It turns out that a lot about our lives and our "performance" is right. Think about your interactions with your children and how you were treated when you were a child. It's too easy to let the "good" and "right" times slip by. Too often it's when things are going "wrong" that we are moved to speak.”

I think the part of the ‘act as if’ philosophy that I was remembering from Lauren’s post and wanting to be reminded of now is, in a nutshell, this: 

Act "as if" the way you want to be IS the way you are. The acting will eventually be replaced by the genuine feeling and belief. For example, let’s say you are experiencing a down moment. Perhaps you are tired or hungry, the reason doesn’t really matter. We all get and have stimuli that are “negative”. What does matter is that you “act as if” you were more positive. Force yourself to smile. We’re not suggesting that you be fake or hide your feelings or emotions. We are suggesting you can choose to act as if and you will have the positive feelings or emotions that you want. When you see and know then you don’t have to act anymore. The more friendly and loving you are; the more friends and love you will have.

For me right now I want to ‘act as if’ I am positive, confident and creative. Those are the areas I think I could benefit from believing in, even when the opposite feels true. Especially when the opposite feels true.

Well..... that got wordy. LOL But I wanted to get as much of my thoughts (re)written and posted here to look back on. Maybe it was good that I had to re-think it all and refine some of the thoughts rushing through my head. I’ve learned my lesson though to save my posts as a draft … often. Oh, and the reason I didn’t re-write the post right then when I lost it is rather exciting. I had a little private lesson to teach for 2 new digi-scrappers who were SO excited to start scrapping digitally and I had so much fun. Jodi and Renee you were SUCH great students and I can’t wait to see the pages you create of your spring break vacations. Thanks for letting me ‘act as if’ I still know how to scrap. LOL

After the digi-scrapping lesson I got my hair cut and colored. I think I’d actually finally achieved the goal I had set out to grow my hair out to and discovered (as I have so many times before) that longer hair is just not a good look on me. So I took photos of my own hair at different stages where I did actually like the cut and she combined those with keeping enough length in the back that I can still pull off the pig-tails and even a pony-tail now and then since that’s the part about having length that I DID like. The problem was that I didn’t like my hair at ALL any time I wasn’t wearing the pigtails and really they’re not that appropriate to wear to the office. I am so lucky to have a stylist who knows me and puts up with my endless visits with photos of people I will never look like. I’m sure she was at least relieved this time that the photos I brought were actually of my own haircuts past. So, I now have what just might be the perfect cut for me. The sad thing is no one but I would even notice the difference and I’m pretty sure, for the most part, it’s the same cut I’ve had for at least the past 5 years now.  It’s me though. It fits my personality. At it’s best it’s a little messy, disheveled even and has a little bit of spunk. Yup, that’s me.

AND, my hair stylists sister is an amazing artist who makes the greatest wall plaques and I may even have her do something like THIS on the wall behind my love seat. She makes the absolute cutest laundry room signs too and I want to have one made for the area above my laundry room door. I’ll definitely be posting pictures of these little goodies. Hopefully enough to make up for the fact that this incredibly long post has NONE. Soooo out of character for me. And ya know what? I’m OKAY with that. : )

Comments

[ShabbyJuls]

AMEN TO ALL OF THAT:) I totally agree and am feeling the same way about life!!! Keep pressing on my friend.

[Maegan]

Good for you Shawn. I am glad to hear that you are OK. I was worried about you. :)

[Kim]

Phew! So glad you're okay Shawny. I have been soooo worried about you. (You know how I am.) Thank you for posting that "act as if" thoughts. You have no idea how much I needed to read that today.
Love you, my sweet friend.
Kim

ps...can't wait to see the new do. ;)

[Kellie (joelsgirl)]

So glad you're okay! I've missed you, LOL! Thanks for being encouraging; I needed some today.

[Margie]

I am so glad to read your post and see that you are starting up the mountain :) It's a hard journey I know but like you said you come out stronger from the things you've experienced-even our mistakes along the way God has promised to use these for good because we love Him. He knows your heart and that is what matters! Have you ever read Hinds Feet On High Places? I thought of it as I read what you wrote. It's an allogory and it is so good-I highly recommend it. Always remember you are a precious daughter of the King!!! He never gives up on you and is there to help you climb each step :)

[The Gupster]

"I like who I am"

In the 6+ years I've known you, that is the first time I've ever heard you say that.

The past six months..well..whatever...but these past two months have been really interesting. One of the reasons I tried to lay low was so I could watch you grow into a secure independent woman. That is who I see today. Somebody who doesn't depend on others to make them happy. You're amazing!

As you know, moments of adversity will test your relationships with others. It sound's like you've separated yourself from the people who try to suppress your growth. Let them hold on to that negative energy while you grow into a better person. Afterall, we are only accountable to one person. Let them be the ones who try to explain 'why' they are holding on to so much negativity, when the most important person has all ready forgiven you for your mistakes.

I wish I were more like you

[jayne]

Just drop the "f-bomb" a few times with passion and you'll always feel so much better! LOL

Love ya! ;)

[kari]

I'm so glad to hear you are OK! I think of you so often..

love that "act as if" attitude...

[Ronalyn]

FIRST OF ALL.. YOU KNOW BLACK APPLE.. FROM ETSY.. OH MY GOSH.. I AM ALWAYS ON HER STUFF.. OH MY GOSH..!!! I Love it!!

Okay.. where is this hair.. I LOVE ALL THINGS HAIR!!

Alright..!! I love what you wrote.. and it's scary to say.. wow..I sounded like that a year ago.. and I feel like the only place I've been moving is UP!!

Which leads me to another thing.. where is this letter..I'm thinking. you just did NOT click send!! haha!! No pressure by the way!!

I hope all is well, you sound fantastic!! Its nice to hear!!! After I read your entry for today.. I thought about what I wrote back in July ? And.. I got lost in all the deep thougths I've shared over that short year.

But here is a link to my thoughts.. around this time a year ago..

http://ronalynbarut.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/beginning_copy.jpg

[deb]

It's so good to check in on you to find you have a couple of posts. I've been thinking about you! Sometimes it's hard to keep up with a blog.. life gets way too complicated but then I remember all the people who care and believe it or not that sometimes gets me through some rough days. We're here for you and I'm sending hugs.

[LeeAndra]

I love you. :)

love, me <><

P.S. A little birdie told me that she is looking forward to getting her new birdie purse for summer. Chirp chirp. ;)